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This is my DIARY

October 8, 2017 by admin

 


What is dead may never die, but rises again harder and stronger……..

This is the tale of my Once Upon A Time: a story about innocence, mystery, struggle and hope interspersed with plenty of shock and awe.

Back in the date when this story was only just springing to life, I used to live in Kathmandu as a very determined and ambition-led young lady getting a head start at life with my own social organization. I had everything a girl could ever ask for except for heart-warming love…but that never really bothered me. The man who was to be the love of my life (at least, that’s what I considered him back then) was a successful entrepreneur in the United States. Much like the modern love affairs, our story began with one friend request on Facebook followed by lengthy hours of chat and Skype conversation. Before long, our meaningless talks turned into the most beautiful love story I’d ever imagined and I was living my very own fairy tale.

Be it a long-distance relation, I knew we’d make it through- him and I- despite everything people said and in spite of my unending fear that I would wake up one dreadful day only to find that my beautiful dream had been crushed into irreparable pieces. For one whole year and a half we survived everything together and he finally proposed to marry me. I, however, wanted my organization to first take a leap before moving anywhere forwards, so I always asked him for more time. Everything was going as splendid as it could!

One day, however, the same Facebook that had brought our loves together posed as the biggest threat to our budding relation. An unforeseen message had popped up on my account revealing that the person whom I loved is a married man living with his daughter and wife in the States and the person alerted me not to believe in false hopes. I was in a dilemma; distress and disappointment had left me speechless. He fooled me, played me like a fiddle, and separated me from the rest of the world. I was used, hurt and humiliated. I was so disturbed regarding that junk that I immediately rang him up and demanded to know the truth. He wholeheartedly convinced me that the message was absurd. I still remember his words- “How could you trust that fake proclamation doubting our charming relationship?” He immediately gave the phone to his mother and she too corroborated to his statement. “In fact”, she added, “he wants to marry you”.

All the same, adapting to live on my own and vowing to minimize all contact with the person I’d learned to love more than anything else wasn’t easy for me. A heartache that never went away….

After few days I heard that he’d rushed back to Nepal and he told me that he’d left everything in New York just for me. “If you give me one chance I will spend my whole life proving you that you made the right decision.” As blinded by love as I was, I was more than willing to give him that one chance.

The first few weeks of getting together again I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. One day he proposed me that we could integrate our time and effort together in a beautiful world of our vision. I have been blessed by many outstanding, profound experiences in my life. As wonderful as they may be; an enterprise was formed with mutual ownership, rights and values. That was when I was destined to find out the truth- very painfully- about his reality, something he’d hidden inside the deepest vaults of his happy talks and charming smiles.

GATEWAY TO HELL

Days passed, I was committedly working with full effort giving our new business enterprise the best I had in me. It took a lot of work and full-time creativity, but eventually we did make it happen. After the first month of officially getting together though something happened and my sixth sense started beeping clear warning signals. I felt something disagreeable and nasty with him. His behaviors started to change. One thing always questioned in my mind- Is he willing to keep our love as his main priority? Everyday I wanted to understand him but that didn’t go well.

One day I saw him communicating bizarrely with a woman and when I became anxious he made false stories. From that day onwards I started suspecting him of infidelity and I’d struggle in my own thoughts about his motives. I was racing through my head every single moment. Though he tried to convince me, it involved lots of crying and pain. His personality was also prone to changing within a matter of moments. My curiosity increased and I started to track his routine. Thus resulting I found out that he is a double divorcee with two children.The real truth was hidden for years.

Only I knew how much my life sucked, how lonely I felt throwing entire physiology out of whack, disrupting appetite, sleep body temperature and heart rate. Day by day things started getting more and more vulnerable.

When he finally admitted whatever I encountered was true, I blamed my own fate; I was just unlucky that this had happened to me. I didn’t even have willpower to seek for help to anyone because of my own mistake of trusting the wrong person. He said he doesn’t love his second wife and has second daughter with her.
I was helpless, completely trapped. Since he was already dead for me; utilizing the opportunity of my work was the only option left. So I made a decision to put more emphasis on work, pay my father’s debts that I invested in the enterprise and finally tell thetruth. More dead than alive I would move my way after that. No joke, I was a walking zombie at work as I didn’t have enough sleep. I felt overwhelmed by the amount of work and the pressure for a starting enterprise. I had been at a point where giving up was not an option. All thoughts just escape my mind being numbed by work as time passed.

When I told him that our relationship is over he persisted in his attempts to woo me, followed me wherever I went and “cried buckets” as he begged me to accept him. He kept insisting he would give up all his bad habits if I would accept him in my life. But frequent messages from his past woman started disturbing me demanding me lots of money in return for her husband!

Being desperate to get rid of him, I even had a guy pretending to be my boyfriend call him once to kind of help in throwing him off my back. What he did was something so horrible, he tortured that guy threatened to beat him to death.  He kicked me with all his might through his hard boots in my chest and I landed on the floor that I nearly fainted.

Things became worse day by day. I found out from his housemaid that he used to secretly bring girls in his place and he even beat her so badly when she proved him wrong. As sad as it may sound he threatened her entire family would be at risk if she ever dared to speak up. When I tried to seek help for her she begged me that she doesn’t want to get involved. It might risk her poor family to grave and insisted me not to take action.

At times I was mentally and emotionally disturbed that I couldn’t even work. In our office I saw his frequent conversations with many woman and when I started to freak out he got impatient and hit me in front everyone. All I remember is screaming, crying and begging for help. Memories like these are unforgettable. Working in an abusive environment and seeing the torturous ways of him led me to lose faith in my own future.

I have seen many hardships in my lifetime, but nothing compares to the shock that he gave me. I found sexually explicit photos of me that he took without my consent when we were together. Taking advantage of the empty office he ran away to delete it. I grabbed a knife and told them that I would kill myself if it continues again.

I was so stressed about the whole situation that I started to drift apart from everything.

A marvelous realization came over me. And the best thing I could possibly do was turn myself over completely from my brainchild, “the enterprise.” Because as long as it is alive I can never find peace. I proposed him that the enterprise must shut down or ownership must be transferred legally who wishes to work there. While giving him a choice, he gave me a plethora of disgusting reasons. A worst nightmare that I faced in my life.

“If you break up with me, I’ll post those pictures everywhere…” I haven’t deleted yet.

“I can kidnap you anytime.”

“Your social life is finished after I post it. No one will marry you.”

“I will tell my wife to complain against you that you trapped me for the sake of money.”

“Give my money back or else you will rot in jail.”

“You sleep with many men and earn money.”

What excuses does he give for his sickening behavior? Whether or not he has some kind of fetish or compulsion to photograph without my consent, if he loved me he wouldn’t be objectifying me like this. Tears streamed down my face as I realized how ignorant I had been with his sweet talks. I was so shamed to share my experiences. I’m not a prude in any sense but I feel so violated. My mind became so disturbed day by day. “It’s like a drug, poisoning and destroying my life,” “It’s even worse because an addict can put a drug down and walk away. You can’t put down your mind and walk away from it.”

We’re all humans and we have the power to create our future by our own. – Based on the difficulties I faced I had been thinking of killing myself for a couple times.

 

ROAD AHEAD 

I was so involved with myself that I hardly noticed others. Finding myself stuck in anxiety, anger and depression, it was difficult to express and felt in fear of incurring disfavor. Change is very difficult, and it took me a long time to realize that in many aspects I was not changing. I realized how weak I have become and one day my insights did impress themselves upon me, and some change came about; “speak up now.”

The only person I could turn to was my friend and I know I can trust him. He counseled me to disclose the truth to my parents regarding everything. And seeking my parent’s help was the only option. A difficult irony for women in Nepal is that, should a victim speak up about physical or sexual abuse, she is seen as having lost her and her family’s dignity. Extremely sensitive, I was self-conscious and uncomfortable to share this news.

But when I turned my attention inside my mind said “SPEAK UP.” I would find myself approaching an abyss that seemed terribly nervous at first. Yet when I gave my trust to the process, an important, meaningful experience developed, dissipating the discomfort and resulting in a growing feeling of aliveness.

We complained about his assaults strictly through laws. My case was prosecuted rigorously but the harsh questionings, to make sure he really took my images, thorough investigations, such perpetual rapid-fire questions in front of my family and public made me feel so naked. When I open my eyes, I see bright fire ready to engulf my body and every misery that had been eating my soul.

He denied whatever he did to me and was so adamant upon shaming me in front of everyone. He called me names. I felt a big black smudge on my own character.

But I didn’t give up!

Violating another human being comes in many forms. Robbing someone of their breath and their health is also a form of rape. I let my voice be heard but, it was the most awful thing that I’ve ever endured in my life and having to testify to it in court and face my attacker was not an easy thing to do at all! We are not their victims but it’s them who are the perpetrators of their ugliness! If we don’t stand up, then we have no one to blame but ourselves. WE MUST! It’s our duty, our obligation, and if we don’t, then we become victim again and again.

 

HOPE

Sometimes when life seems hopeless we are plagued with heavy feelings that rob us of life, of interest, of energy. We don’t know how to get free of these feelings — in fact we don’t even know what they really are. But sooner or later we also find way out, a way that leads to exuberance, aliveness, peace, and fulfillment.

This story is an extremely intense experience of agonizing of deeply buried soul, permitting me to rise to a profound level of realization. Also, the painful devastating fight that opens the door to a more continuing state of well being. I feel I am cleaning up debris down deeply in my core, and feel very good about what I am doing. As I work through these deep feelings, I feel better and gain more volition.

 

My life has now transformed. 

-Prasha Lama

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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